A NaKeD NEw YEAr'S EVE
Dec 31, 2001/January 1, 2002
The day leading up to the New Year's eve incident was innocent enough, as I recall.
English Teacher T, a 23 year old Canadian, and I got up late and spent the day walking around down by the frozen river. It wasn't too cold as Russian winters go -- a few degrees below freezing, maybe. But there were several feet of snow, as always.
"Is there going to be any food at this party tonight?" asked T. We'd been invited to a New Year's Eve party by a couple of our former students, English Groupies M and L.
"At any Russian New Year's Eve party other than one hosted by these two, I'd say yes. I've never seen either of them eat anything."
"It would interfere with their smoking," agreed T.
English Groupies M and L were both 18, spoke English fluently, were good-looking, came from well-to-do families, and were essentially enamored of all things foreign. They'd both traveled abroad quite a few times -- to England, Turkey, and Egypt -- and always seemed to come back engaged to be married or with a foreign boyfriend they were always rushing home to speak to on the Internet. They would probably vehemently deny they had some special love for foreigners or foreign things if you asked them -- what they probably would not deny was that they detested all things Russian.
So, needless to say, English Teacher T and I were pretty popular with them, being the only two foreign guys they knew in their home town -- provincial Vodkaberg Russia. (That's not of course its real name, but its a pseudonym that will have to suffice.) Despite the fact that I was nearly middle-aged -- 32 at that time -- and a generally obnoxious, sarcastic, and unpleasant person, they both generally adored me. They were probably my best friends. They were both pretty quick-witted and liked to drink, dance and have fun. Terms like "sexual wildcats" might also apply. I ask for little else.
And while there might seem to be a large age difference there, recall that I'm very immature for my age, and they'd both been vodka-swigging chain-smoking party animals since they were about 14.
The rather pretentious would-be intellectual bohemian English Teacher T was a littler harder for them to relate to, given that he tended to judge people's intelligence by how much they listened to various obscure Canadian alternative country bands. But they tried.
Hey, at least he wasn't Russian.
So English Teacher T and I had a roast chicken bought from a street vendor and some macaroni and cheese with broccoli for our New Year's dinner, and then went to English Groupie M's apartment, which was near mine.
It wasn't a large party -- but then again it wasn't really a large apartment. There were about five 18- and 19-year-old girls and me and English Teacher T, and one other guy who was so drunk he fell asleep about an hour after we got there.
It started pretty slow, with all of us sitting around and talking and drinking champagne and vodka. There was in fact some food -- some of the hideous gloppy mayonaise salads so beloved by Russians, and some other kind of cake or pie or something that they forgot about and burned the shit out of.
But of course, after a considerable amount of alcohol, things loosened up a lot. There was some dancing, some deep conversations on the kitchen floor, etc.
Around 3:00am -- and I have no idea how the idea came up -- I was sitting at a table with English Groupie L and she dared me to run naked through the snow.
I don't know if this is any kind of tradition, per se, in Russia, but a lot of people do it, as I understand.
"Well what's in it for me?" I said, trying not to leer suggestively.
"We'll cut the cards," she said. "If I win, you run naked through the snow."
"And if I win?"
"I'll do a strip tease."
"Deal," I said.
The video made of me running naked through the snow is not terribly revealing -- you can see my skinny white ass, but my genitals are at no time visible. I'm glad, because as I understand it nobody knows what happened to the video tape. It was lent to someone who lost track of it. I caper around a bit and do a few somersaults through the two or three feet of snow, then fairly quickly jump back into my jeans.
I thoroughly expect to see it on some amateur porno site some day. In fact I have a healthy body of amateur nudie video behind me -- I am aware there is a video, made in England in 1993, of me running naked around a bonfire on LSD at a rave. Interesting to think of who might or might not have seen them.
Anyway, after I came in and warmed up and had a few more drinks, English Groupie L said she felt bad about making me roll through the snow and that she'd do a strip tease. I said that would be just fine by me. In fact I think English Teacher T kind of cajoled her into it, but no arms were twisted here.
They went into the other room to prepare. I recall English Teacher T being quite excited about it. I'd known the English Groupies long enough to be less surprised.
English Groupie M went and put on trousers, a white shirt and a tie, and English Groupie L put on black stockings and a kind of black lace slip thing. They came out and did a little act to some kind of inane disco music, I can't remember what exactly, and finally English Groupie L was lap-dancing English Teacher T, who was of course grinning ear to ear. She was stripped down to her panties and stockings by that point.
Then the camera flash went off.
English Groupie M was taking pictures.
"Uh, are you sure you want this moment to be. . . uh. . . immortalized on film?" I asked.
By this time English Groupie L was completely naked, writhing around in English Teacher T's lap. The camera flash kept popping.
Naturally English Groupie L and English Teacher T started kissing by that point, and if you have a naked woman in your lap your hands probably aren't going to be in your pockets, if you get my drift.
Finally English Groupie M handed me the camera and went over and started kissing English Groupie L. It wasn't the first time. A lot of bisexual chic in Russia that year. M turned to me and asked me to take another picture.
"This is not a good idea, taking the pictures," I said. "Pictures of this sort have a way of getting seen." I was actually thinking of Former Teacher Q, who'd once worked in a photo developing lab. He had quite a collection of people's home pornography.
"Take it!" she said, grabbing English Groupie L and slipping her some tongue.
Well, who knows what kind of savage orgy out of NEW WAVE HOOKERS 5 might have taken place had the other guy, the drunk guy who'd fallen asleep earlier, not woken up and had to go to the toilet. Somehow that spoiled the mood.
We were all sitting in the kitchen as the sun came up. English Groupie L was sitting in my lap, dressed again, and English Groupie M was cursing at the tea kettle and chain smoking. English Teacher T was just sitting there grinning goofily.
"Well, you know. . . I have a feeling 2002 is going to be a really good year," I said.
I left about seven am or so. English Teacher T stayed behind, hoping he'd be able to have a three-way with the two, but they curled up in bed together and promptly fell asleep, leaving him on the floor.
So, 2002 began. I think we were all laid up hungover the next day, but we met on January 2 for beers at a cafe.
English Groupie M had had the pictures developed.
They looked great, actually. No one could deny that English Groupie L had -- has -- an exquisite body, and only the grinning goofy English Teacher T spoiled some very nice nude studies. And of course the lesbian stuff. . . well, I probably don't need to tell you.
Probably most of the friends of English Groupies L and M saw the pictures -- she was not embarrassed by them in the least.
We became, for about a week, enthusiastic amateur pornographers, albeit mostly only in theory. English Groupie L did another strip show for us, this one better choreographed, involving whipped cream. We tried to videotape it but couldn't get the camera working properly. We had some grand plans for a short film in which English Groupie L and I performed a sort of vampire act. She agreed to let me slice all her clothes off if I'd agree to have candle wax dripped on me.
Ah, but, then.
A few weeks later English Groupie L was preparing to go to the Ukraine to visit a friend. She was having some problems with parents and they gave her already-packed bag a quick suspicious going through.
Suppose you're the father of an 18 year old Russian girl and you decide to search her bag before she goes on vacation. What's the worst thing you're expecting to find? A pack of cigarettes? Drugs? Condoms? Who knows.
But then imagine finding a picture of your daughter sitting on the lap of an English teacher.
Then imagine finding a picture of your daughter sitting on the lap of an English teacher butt naked.
Then imagine finding twelve full color photographs of your daughter in various stages of undress making out with her English teacher and her best female friend.
Well. English Groupie L's home life took a turn for the worse after that.
English Teacher T and I were terrified. English Groupie L's father was a rich businessman, which assuredly meant he knew how to have someone killed or severely beaten if he wanted to. Surely at the very least we could get fired for this kind of shenanigans.
I was thanking God I wasn't in any of the pictures. Although of course my presence could be easily deduced.
But of course nothing came of it. I mean really, what's he going to do? Go to my boss and say, "Say look at these pictures! Your damn English teachers got my sweet little baby drunk and forced her to do a bisexual strip show for them! Evil bastards!" I'd imagine he'd be too embarrassed to say that even to a hit man.
Regrettably, 2002 was not a good year for English Groupie L or English Groupie M. They both became involved with a heartless lesbian seductress who fucked them both over with great thoroughness. Perhaps that will be a story for another day, harrowing as it is.
Somehow it was just never the same after that New Year's eve and we didn't see much of them after that. (Not least of which because English Groupie L's father hired a security guard to keep her away from people like us.)
Suffice it to say they are both well now - English Groupie L married a Turkish man and is living in Istanbul, English Groupie M got a job with a tourist agency in Egypt.
So what's the moral of the story?
Well, the usual. If you're going to get naked, don't do it on camera.