CASE STUDY: ENGLISH TEACHER B
English Teacher B left his drug frenzy behind to seek peace behind the Bamboo Curtain.
What lay beyond it? Well, read on. . .
How long have you taught, and where?
I’m coming up on the half way mark of my second year. I originally came over here to escape something like a drug frenzy in my hometown. I thought the time away would do me good. My uncle invited me to come chill out with him in China for a year, out in the north western region of Xin Jiang. Man, from the pictures he showed me, I was expecting a bamboo hut with a hose or something, but was surprised to find that things’ development was further along than that. Yup, been teaching for one and a half years, and I’m beginning to even fool myself that I know what I’m doing now.
What's been the worst moment for you in the classroom?
That’s a tough question. It gets easy to lose track sometimes. One that comes to mind is when I had first begun teaching. Somehow, me and my brother had come across some hash, and being the ultimately responsible FT’s that we were, took any opportunity to hit it up at any time of the working day. I had a class at noon, so it gave me 2 precious hours to smoke and drink before class.
By the time I finally got there, I was giggling and slapping kids on the head. Of course, the need to urinate came pretty immediately once class began, so I had one guy escort me to the nearest restroom… ahh and it was locked, so off to the girls bathroom across the way. I didn’t realize the whole class could see me doing this, which also means they saw me take a huge spill on the freshly mopped floors in the girls' john.
After returning to class, it killed about 15 minutes of them just laughing and making fun of me. I was too out of it too care, and from my intoxicated expression, they all thought I was ready to cry. I was just waiting for class to end for nearly 30 minutes. But hell man, I was high and digging it.
Who have been your most venal and incompetent employers?
By far that has to be my second “school”. This was a rented out apartment type deal, with cheap ass everything. My job was to effectively rip off other books and learning packages and slap their logo on the front, then pretend I wrote it whenever we gave a “presentation”. These people had no idea about marketing or even education, but they saved my ass with visa problems. Everything was so disorganized and cluster fucked. Of course if the money didn’t start flowing in, they look directly to the FT, with threats of docked pay bullshit. For 1500 yuan a goddam month and 9 hours a day, they can suck a fat one.
This is definitely where I fine tuned my dancing monkey FT technique, giving our bullshit presentations in department stores and various schools. Besides that, I was confined to English corner for 8 hours a day, 4 days a week. I hate English fucking corners with a passion, but these experiences have somehow helped me progress along.
What's the quality of life like where you are?
I think comparatively, they aren’t too bad. It’s still possible and entirely probable to see someone shitting street-side. Actually some parents encourage their kids to let it flow whenever they have to. Things are a bit dirty, especially since winter came rolling in, but I don’t mind that. The level of personal cleanliness is pretty low, as far as the locals are concerned. I actually had a girlfriend here who refused to shower everyday… her parents discouraged that type of activity. The drop-jawed stares aren’t so frequent.
And Teacher X, you are absolutely right about “embracing the rich student” I’m currently chilling in an awesome penthouse suite at the cost of 4 hours a week teaching. So there’s a bit of refinement here, but only for those who make more than, what, maybe 200,000 a year or so.
Ever had the cops or immigration police shake you down?
Luckily, no. Every time I smoke, though, I’m sure it’s right then that the hammer is coming down. The worst that’s happened is my friend here was taking pictures on some mountain, near this huge white globe thing, and was accosted by military personnel. After being detained for a few hours he was taken to a hotel room and recorded a video taped confession with the aid of some suited gentlemen, disavowing any knowledge that he was photographing military property. Apparently they don’t like you taking pictures of military equipment. Sounds like a wild story, but this guy is too tame to make this shit up. But I DO get the urge to rush the armored car guards, what with the 12 gauges out in public.
What do you do if you have ten minutes to kill with an unruly class?
Ahh, this happens a lot in the evening. I’ll use whatever exercise we were just doing and turn it into a quick writing exercise. “Write 10 questions about Hui Lang’s hometown” bullshit like that. Then I draw pictures at my desk and dream of the beer I’ll soon be having.
Ever taught children?
God, man. Unfortunately I have. My first job was about 3 classes a day, each class holding nearly 60 students. With no experience, damn, I just naturally became the dancing monkey out of shear fear and not knowing what the fuck to do. I got the pep-talk from the foreign affair officer about being exciting, so I just completely fucked around with them all day. They work too hard as it is, so I felt for em. I tried to make things as fun as possible, and they enjoyed the fact that I wasn’t really teaching. I’d bomb if I had to actually go on and develop a working lesson plan.
Unfortunately my bro and I got fired soon after, because he brought a prostitute onto campus. Oh well.
What's your policy regarding banging students?
Funny you should ask. Actually I think it’s alright, but I usually wait until their term is up, so as to not draw any unwanted attention or what-not. I think a better idea is the friends of students, just to keep that loop open around the office.
If you had it all to do over again, would you have had yourself buried alive in a box of rats?
Actually, beyond the tremendous loads of bullshit that I’ve pushed past since I’ve been here, I am actually enjoying all of this. I’m learning the language for free, getting relatively lots of ass, and living a lifestyle that would never last in the states. I would have done a few things differently, though… for example not date a girl with bleeding gums, not get panicky and run to the first shit hole with open arms when visa trouble comes up, and remember to keep condoms handy.
But I do miss bud, man. Sweet, sweet bud. And on a final note, a piece of advice… don’t fear the morning after partying it up all night. I trick myself into looking forward to it, and it actually helps with the hangover and overall deep-rooted shit feeling. That’s all. Thanks a lot Teacher X.