FIve WAyS To AvOID ThE EnGLIsH LeeCH
What the hell is an English Leech?
An English Leech will be defined as a person who is constantly seeking free English practice with you.
Sometimes an English Leech is a person who constantly attempts to pester the teacher before and after class with questions about grammar, obscure vocabulary, and inane and irrelevant cultural issues. ("Is it true in America that streets run east-west and avenues run north-south?")
More commonly, the English Leech is a person who is constantly extending personal invitations to the teacher in order to maximize their practice of conversational English -- these invitations will often extend to, but are not limited to, the following: trips to cafes or coffee shops, trips to bars, trips to restaurants, trips to weekend country houses, trips to the English Leech's home for dinner, and oral and/or genital sex.
Now, of course, if the English Leech is a hot chick ( or hot dude, whatever your taste may be ) it's not much of a problem. In fact it's an opportunity. If it's a rich guy, it's an opportunity, because you'll get to eat at some great restaurants.
But what about the others? The boring University nerds, the miserable struggling young office people, the English groupies who don't happen to be blessed with beauty or charm or intelligence, yet still constantly bug you to go out with them? The school kids who want help completing their homework assignments, the lonely old retired English-language professors who approach you in bookshops to engage you in conversation?
There are of course English teachers who will be overjoyed at all this attention. The lonely and the talkative, mainly, and those who don't enjoy cooking for themselves.
But what about the rest us? Those who don't enjoy struggling to make conversation with strangers we have nothing in common with, and whose English skills will likely be extremely marginal? Those who grow weary of answering the same eight questions again and again and again?
How can you escape?
Well, of course, if they aren't your students, you can always just walk rudely away. Or say, "No spikee de English," and pretend you're from some non-English speaking country.
With the students, one needs to be more diplomatic, to avoid offense and not affect your popularity.
Try the following:
PRETEND YOU'RE REALLY BUSY: Shuffle a lot of papers around, keep looking at your watch, and don't be afraid to toss some jargon around. "Sorry, Ling Po, I have to prepare some TPR activities for the presentation phase of my next TOEFL class. I must run."
PRETEND LIKE YOU HAVE A REALLY BOSSY GIRLFRIEND OR WIFE: Of course, all too many English teachers REALLY DO have a bossy girlfriend or wife, so acting like you do too is hardly a big stretch. "Sorry, Alexey, but I can't meet you on Friday. My girlfriend and I are going to her village to stay with her parents."
BE REALLY BORING: Answer all questions with short yes or no answers, or a shrug and silence. Keep smiling though, so they won't think you're getting wise with them. Offer no questions of your own. Then just stare pleasantly at them until they get uncomfortable and leave. Example:
English Leech: "Are you from America?"
Teacher: "Yes."
English Leech: "Which city."
Teacher: "Des Moines." (Always say a city that's not well known.)
English Leech: "Do you like it here?"
Teacher: "It's OK."
English Leech. "Do you like our (weather, food, women, etc.)?"
Teacher: (shrugs) " I guess."
English Leech: "Do you like being a teacher?"
Teacher: (shrugs) "Sometimes."
etc. Kind of a pain to have to go through, actually, but if you do it once they likely won't bother you again.
ASK FOR PAYMENT FOR YOUR SERVICES -- This is good for those kids who bug you to help them with homework and such, or anybody so stupid as to blatantly admit to you they want to practice their conversational English with you. Just say, "Well, my usual fee is $35 an hour. I can arrange a five percent discount if you buy me dinner, however."
CONSTANTLY SPEAK THEIR NATIVE LANGUAGE, NO MATTER HOW BADLY: This one is practically foolproof. Keep yammering away at them in an atrocious version of their native language every time they try to speak to you outside of class hours, and I can practically guarantee they will trouble you no more.
VIOLATE LOCAL CUSTOMS AND MORES: This one is rather touchy actually, and a rather extreme one -- find out some local custom that's terribly offensive and commit it on the people trying to leech off you. If in Russia, for example, you can terrify a superstitious host by bringing an even number of white flowers as a gift (that would be representative of a funeral, and imply impending death) and in Thailand you can offend people greatly by showing your feet and patting older people on the head. Probably no one will say anything to you -- you have an excuse, after all, you're a foreigner -- but if you're lucky you won't be invited back.
And of course, vomiting on the living room floor is pretty much looked down upon in all cultures.
VoMiT On THe Floor On My MeSsAgE BoARD