KaSE STuDYs: ENgLiSH TEacHEr H
English Teach H, a self-proclaimed bum, tells us a bit about his lifelong search for cheap beer and good weather, and various piss-dripping psychopathic DOS's he has known.
Where have you taught, and for how long?
South East Asia for a couple of years, London for a
couple of years, Spain for almost a year.
Why did you start teaching English?
Like most people, I wasnīt much good at anything back
in my home country. I was (and, in fact, still am) a
bum, looking for cheap beer and good weather (neither
of which the UK has).
Who have been your most venal and incompetent
employers?
All of them! My first boss was a fat, dishonest,
manipulative, alcohlic, aggressive psychopath. He was
an interesting guy, I fondly recall one time him
sitting in a chair by the beach, his shorts dripping
with his own urine, drunkenly lecturing us on how he
was the "Alpha Male" of the group - then later
attempting to pull a fellow (female) teacher, while
his fiancee was waiting for him in his hotel room.
Good times.
My second was an aging long-haired pathological liar,
married to a local woman that he despised. (Still, as
far as EF goes, I suppose they werenīt bad). My next
two bosses were simply incompetent, and my current one
is clearly a social misfit who wouldnīt have made it
anywhere in the UK (hence his decision to start a
school in Spain).
A common theme to most DOSes (and ACs) is that of chronic dishonesty - my current boss, for example, promised me no company classes, and no one-to-ones. Currently, I am only teaching company classes and one-to-ones. Still, it could be a lot worse.
So far, he hasnīt wet himself, and he hasnīt
tried to pull me.
What are your living and working conditions like
now?
My working conditions? Compared to "vodkaberg" I
suppose theyīre okay. I spend more time travelling to
offices than I do teaching in them, and travelling
time (and expenses) isnīt paid for. Tomorrow my first
class starts at 7 in the morning, and my last class
ends at 9:30 in the evening. Still, mustnīt grumble...
I have enough for beer, and cheese and ham sandwiches.
My fellow teachers where I work are, for the most
part, dull - and unspeakably ugly.
Which country have you liked the most?
Well "South-East-Asian country X" was great for sheer
debauchery. It was ridiculous. None of the (massive)
English teacher population had any interest in any of
the local culture - it was all about sex, alcohol and
drugs. The sex was usually refined to shagging other
teachers, and whores. The whole country, it seemed,
was a playground for drunk (and, on the whole,
seriously disturbed) English teachers - the silliness
of it was fantastic.
London, afterwards, was a sobering experience - and the teachers here in Spain donīt share the same "all-or-nothing" party spirit as those in Asia. They tend to be a bit more normal too.
I met people who would, seriously, be institutionalised in the UK working away in SE Asia with no problem.
Hey, when I worked in Asia,
we were all really interested in the local culture -- which stand had the
cheapest fried rice, for example. Which country have you liked the least?
London. London is a great city if youīre rich - that
alone is reason enough for no English teacher ever to
go there.
Well, London isn't a country, but I
take your point. What's your favorite way to kill ten minutes in
class?
Um.. Sleep? OK - the "one question behind" activity...
1. "Whatīs your name?"
2. "-"
1. "Where are you from?"
2. "Carlos"
1. "What did you have for breakfast?"
2. "Spain"
1. "Whatīs your favourite colour?"
2. "Rice"
You know, you demonstrate it to the students, then get
them to do it in pairs or threes or whatever. Kills
loads of time...
What are the women like where you are now?
Crap. Spanish women suck. They may be physically
attractive, but psychologically have this strange
blend of
shallow/over-emotional/patronising/condescending/boring
that I, and lots of other foreign men, find
unattractive. Foreign guys donīt do it for Spanish
girls either, itīs not like in some parts of the world
where you can just show up, flash your passport
around, and have girls queueing to suck your cock
Most foreigners here end up fucking foreigners, or the
dodgy African whores.
Where do you stand on the "shagging students"
question?
Go for it man, assuming all is legal! My two years in
London would have been a sorry state indeed had it not
been for drunken encounters with students in the bar
after class. Shagging ones actually in your class can
get a bit hairy though - itīs difficult teaching the
present perfect continuous to a class knowing that,
last night, you had your dick in the girl two chairs
to the left on the second row...
Once, I was actually
two-timing two girls who were both in the same class. As much as it was "cool", it was fucking hard work. I
donīt recommend it.
Any particularly harrowing stories you'd like to
tell?
See above!
What are your plans for the future?
I want to be a DOS. Then, I can be a dishonest
alcoholic prick and get paid for it!
Thanks for writing!
Thank you!